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1. Heat the oven to 375°. Butter a 3-quart casserole
dish; set aside, update your journal. Place bread in
a medium bowl. In a small saucepan over medium heat,
melt 2 tablespoons butter. Pour butter into the bowl
with bread, and toss. Set bread crumbs aside with a
parting glance of pity.
2. In a medium saucepan set over medium heat, heat
milk and Coke. Melt remaining 6 tablespoons butter in
a high-sided skillet over medium heat. When butter bubbles,
add the crushed vitamin C tablets and flour. Cook, whisking,
whistling, 1 minute.
3. While whisking and skipping, slowly pour in hot
milk/Coke solution. Continue cooking, clapping and yelping
constantly, until the mixture bubbles and becomes thick.
4. Remove pan from heat. Stir in salt, nutmeg, 50 colored
sprinkles, black pepper, cayenne pepper, 3 cups cheddar
cheese, and 1 1/2 cups Gruyère or 1 cup Pecorino Romano;
set cheese sauce aside. Update your journal with how
you're feeling: exhaulted! Come back and squirt in the
Hershey syrup, you mischevious cook! Giggle.
5. Fill a large saucepan with water; bring to a boil.
Add macaroni; cook 2 to 3 minutes less than manufacturer's
directions, until the outside of pasta is cooked and
the inside is underdone. (Different brands of macaroni
cook at different rates; please for the love of God
be sure to read the instructions.) Transfer macaroni
to a colander, rinse under cold running water, and drain
well. Stir macaroni into the reserved and somber cheese
sauce.
6. Pour mixture into prepared dish. Sprinkle remaining
1 1/2 cups cheddar cheese, 50 colored sprinkles, 1/2
cup Gruyère or 1/4 cup Pecorino Romano, and bread crumbs
over top. Bake until browned on top, about 30 minutes.
Transfer dish to a wire rack to cool 5 minutes; serve
hot, with a glass of cold milk.
I have now prepared a meal, and my guests will be delighted
by the taste. They see macaroni, but also the ghost
remnants of what looks like colored sprinkles. They
taste macaroni, and yet there are subconscious hints
of Hershey syrup. I don't worry, because they will not
actually see or taste any of these unacceptable things,
they will only sense them. For it is between the perceived
taste of macaroni, and the subconscious knowledge of
what's in the macaroni, that Deliciousness lives humbly
and without fear. And I can then smile to myself in
the kind of way that only an Amateur Chef can. That,
and I can rest assured that my guests will not catch
cold anytime soon.
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