I am so tired. Amelia just didn’t want to be in her own bed last night. There was much howling between 1.30 and 4am. So today I am being lazy and doing an update on the very disparate things that are going on in my head.

Nicole and Jud head home from Japan today and I am demanding a slide night upon their return. Jud has seen a Yoshimoto Nara doll in a shop window and is going back to find out how much it costs for me.

Amelia J has a crush. The recipient of her attentions is the four year old grandson of our next door neighbour. He came over for a visit late last week with his grandma and was not prepared for the likes of my daughter who immediately became a kind of bizarre, extroverted showgirl, dancing about in front of him, backing her huge nappy bum towards him saying “lap! lap!” as she tried to sit on his lap and get him to read her a story and bursting in and out of her cardboard box cubby with shouts of glee. He shot the occasional panicked look at his grandma as he sat trying to fit shapes into the holes in the shell of a plastic turtle with great and valiant concentration while Amelia leant down and looked up into his face calling “hello! hello!” in a high pitched voice. I lamely tried to convince our neighbour that Amelia J is NEVER like this and that she is usually a very normal toddler whose main interest is what toys she can spread across every possible surface. After he left she spent the rest of the afternoon saying “A boy! A boy!” and that night I was woken at three am (uh-huh) by a little voice coming from her room saying “A boy! OOOh a boy!”. This does not bode well for the future — we are very afraid.

I like these recently discovered (for me) blogs: Rainbowcake, Pinku Rocks and loosetooth art/work blog.

The weekend was pretty good with a huge sleep on Friday night, a work related trip out to a movie set in the country on Saturday afternoon, Calendar Girls (good viewing! Especially the dvd extras) on Saturday night while I swatched the yarn for both the upcoming sweater project and the hot water bottle cover, hot chocolate and the good chatting of Miss Erin and Kylie on Sunday morning, bagels by the bagel master for Sunday lunch, and a slow Sunday afternoon when I got a good chunk of the secret present project done. Throw into this heady mix some banana milkshakes, homemade pesto, confident driving, watching Amelia J play happily with (not just along side) Jasmine and Oskar and it really was a a top notch, peaceful weekend. This coming weekend promises dinner out at Dr Beard’s followed by bowling and cocktails!

Also, while I am in the ongoing process of designing my folio site, I have put up an interim portfolio site which has some of my more recent things in it. It’s a bit clunky and slow but at least it’s up to date.

After finishing off the illustration yesterday I packed up a freshly snoozed and slightly dazed Amelia into the car and dashed off to a playground to meet up with Suzette and the kids. Suzette was still feeling pretty shaken from her awful morning and after hearing more of the details I started to feel that weird panicky paranoia I sometimes get where I just want to grab Amelia and hold her as close to me as possible and never let anything happen to her EVER. But here I was in a playground watching her totter (and she really does still totter – that’s not just me being paranoid) madly about desperately trying to keep up with Oskar who tears (and boy does he tear!) around the place with all that amazing confidence of a three year old. She would stagger wildly up steep ramps, perch absentmindedly at the top of slippery-slides, and teeter precariously on high platforms with big gaps in the railings where she could easily take a clumsy step backwards and aaargh! eee! ooooh…. So you can clearly see what kind of mood I was in. This resulted in me running around after her, scrambling through tiny tunnels and leaping towards her ready to grab her chubby arm at any moment.

Oskar ignored her for a while despite her insistence on following him around but then, while the three of us sat at the top of a steep (really bloody steep and windy and crazy – oh yes) looking slide, he became intrigued to see if he could entice her down with him – much to my chagrin. “Melia wanna slide with Oskar?” He asked hopefully and luckily (for my nerves) she said “NO!” which he graciously accepted.

For a little while after this they booted around together and Oskar was patient enough to answer all of Amelia’s “Was that?”s and finally, the next time he asked “Melia wanna slide with Oskar?” she shouted “YEAH!” and before I could stop her they started off down the slide together. At the last moment I grabbed her and at least made sure she was going down on her tummy (so she would avoid slipping backwards and bumping her rather large head as she has done before) and for some reason I just couldn’t let go. Oskar was hanging on to her legs and I had her arms and she was slowly descending down the slide and I still couldn’t let go.

My obvious anxiety attracted the attention of a kind grandpa who was playing with his grandson nearby and he came rushing over to save them from I’m not sure what and Suze and Jasmine were down at the bottom looking up at us too… and I realised the complete disproportionate drama I was creating but I still couldn’t let go. And finally it was Amelia’s expression looking up at me – that of complete ease and complete joy to be going down the slide with Oskar -that let me let her go. I could tell she was a bit puzzled as to what my fussing was about and was thinking that perhaps it was part of the game but there was no fear there at all (of course) so I just let go of her tiny little hands. Within two seconds they were at the bottom of the slide completely fine and laughing (of course).

I remember once reading something somewhere – and I really wish I could remember where – that said that being a parent was all about letting go, right from the very beginning. And I know this, and I believe it with my whole heart but boy it’s a tough one!

Autumn will always be my favourite season. When I was a little girl I liked Autumn because it meant my birthday was coming and there was nothing better than a birthday. Now that I am a little beyond that (although not completely) I like Autumn for the leaves and the chill in the air. There is nothing I like better than a heavy, dark sky promising rain. We have had a few days like that in the last week and Amelia seems to like them too. She looks up at the sky and says “RAIN!”. Currently her favourite song is “It’s raining, it’s pouring” – she especially likes the bit where the old man bumps his head.